Webber tastes victory at last

Hey, I can see the bottom. Gerruz another

Well the Aussie finally did it.  All those years chipping away with Minardi, Jaguar, Williams and finally Red Bull paid off and we have an Antipodean on the podium for the first time since Alan Jones 25 years ago.

It wasn’t an easy race, however.  He had to endure a drive-though penalty after the race turned into a hard-fought slugging match.  He moved towards Barrichello, slightly off the racing line, and the hawkeyed stewards were soon on his case.

Who has the key for these invisible handcuffs?

Lewis Hamilton got off to a good start, at one point three-abreast with Barrichello, then it started to go wrong.  However during an earlier tussle with Mark Webber a piece of metal had penetrated his rear tyre, and he was forced to make an unscheduled trip to the pits.

Meanwhile Massa and Koveleinen used their KERS system to jump forward from fifth to third.  Some teams don’t rate KERS, but Koveleinen seems to have it down to a tee.

Off duty, the cast of Star Wars had their own rugby team

After all that Webber had a pretty unremarkable race and he kept the lead of several seconds right up until the end.  Good on you Mark.  Bonzer!

Meanwhile, several hundred miles away.. Myself and my good lady had a guided tour of Silverstone, and on a race day to boot.

Myself on the roof of the Driver's club

The tour started with the guide, a professional racer called Robin giving a little exclusive into the row over who will host the British Grand Prix next year.  He reckoned Donnington Park will never get the British Grand Prix.  This is because no helicopter can fly on the day due to being directly in the flight path of East Midlands airport.  Helicopters are used for  TV cameras, but also crucially, for Casualty evacuation.  Furthermore race go-ers would have to be bussed in from twenty miles away (they reckon).

Claire with the MG car club tearing up the track behind

The real reason the Grand Prix would leave Silverstone simply came down to money,  At present it takes £18 million to host the British Grand Prix.  Bernie wanted to crank it up to £22 million.  Silverstone didn’t have that kind of money and always lost money on a race day, clawing it back throughout the following year.  If they get the Moto GP instead, they can pack the place with Bikers and make twice the cover charge on the door.  So it is with leverage that Silverstone goes about it’s war against Bernie and Max.

The tour started in a little reception area before quickly moving on to the Grand Prix Driver’s Club.  This was a decent sized club-house very similar to Golf and Country clubs I have worked at.  The ground floor had a bar and several cabaret tables.  It also had cabinets full of model cars and several brilliant watercolour paintings on the walls.

An original watercolour in the Driver's club

From there we had a look from the viewing platform on the roof.  We had a splendid view of the Classic M.G.s roaring their way around the racetrack.

Mission control, Silverstone

They then gave us a view of the Steward’s offices.  They had a command centre that looks like something out of NASA.  It has twenty odd camera monitors and everything is recorded on to a hard drive in case of accidents.

A genuine Stewart 1998 Grand Prix car

The final part of the tour took us into the garages where they kept their racing Lotuses and Porsches.  Naturally we all wanted a go, there and then, they looked brilliant.  Also there was a Stewart Grand Prix car in mint condition.

Claire and a Silverstone Race Car

After that we had a tour around the peripheral track.  Silverstone was a World War Two airbase, but what is less well known is that it once had an Abbey.  However the soldiers of Henry VIII burnt and pillaged it during the reformation and it had lain waste ever since.  Ghostly monks have been said to walk the grounds.

In all we had a brilliant tour, and at £25 it wasn’t at all expensive.  I recommend it as a present for any racing fan.

Meet Marc Nobbs, Erotic author

Marc Nobbs is an author unlike any I have ever heard of, he writes Erotic Romance, extremely rare for a man.  The book shelves in Tescos these days are stacked with corny titles like :

Virgin for the Millionaires Bed (exclamation mark!!)

The married executive’s Secretary (gasp!)

Sold into the Harem of Lust (swoon!)

The Sheik’s English maiden (oohh Matron!)

.. and so on.  It has become a guilty pleasure just reading the corny titles.  Luckily none of them were Marc’s.

Brace yourself, love!

In fact I can only name one other male romance author, and that was Saddam Hussain.  He wrote Zabibah and the King to relax after a hard day’s genocide.  It was very popular with the CIA apparently.  I digress.

Us British are a fairly buttoned-up lot.  It isn’t just the climate, it is some deep-seeded sense of shame that seems to prevent us celebrating sex.  We are monumentally underdeveloped in the sex department.  Something we should consider given the fact that it is one of the last free pleasures we have left.

Mills and Boon, the famous Romance publishing house, only really started to make a profit during the first depression in the 1930s.  Of course this was the days before the internet, but the online world compliments the written text, it hasn’t obliterated it.  Marc is a fine example of how to combine the two.  He innovated a youtube trailer for a book.  Brilliant idea, Marc.

As a male romance writer shouldn’t you be on the World Wildlife endangered list?

You might be right about that – there aren’t that many male romance authors out there. Probably enough to count on one hand. Romance as a genre is dominated by women – not just as writers but also the readership is mostly women too.

In fact, Mills&Boon, that great bastion of romance writing will not allow their authors to have male names. They have a couple of men that write for them, but they have to use female pen names. And I believe there’s a publisher who won’t even entertain male writers at all for its romance imprint – but right now which one escapes me.

There are a few men who write gay romance on my publisher’s books – but even gay romance tends to be dominated by female writers too, believe it or not. That’s a whole discussion in itself.

But, I think what makes me even more endangered is the way I write. With the exception of a couple of short stories I wrote for ruthiesclub.com (which you can now read on my website) I write from the male protagonist’s point of view – highly unusual in romance writing.

The way I see it is that if I try and ‘get inside’ the heroine’s head, I won’t be able to pull it off because, let’s face it, it’s bloody hard for most men to know what goes on in a woman’s head. So I write from the point of view of the hero instead – I understand men’s brains. For the most part.

This, of course, means that my heroes are going to be different from the typical romantic hero that women write. It’s hard for a character to be distant, aloof and mysterious if you know what he’s feeling and thinking about. I’ve been told that my heroes are more like ‘real’ men that the fantasy kind you often encounter in romance. Is this a good thing? Maybe, maybe not. I think it will put off some readers from even giving the books a try, but I’ve yet to hear complaints from anyone who’s actually read them.

So it’s not just that I’m a bloke that writes romance that makes me different – it the way I write about it that makes me stand out. Like the tag line on my website says, I’m “Turning Romance on its Head”. Or trying to.

And who knows, maybe a few men will give the books a go too. I’m sure they’d like them if they did.

In your female-dominated (pardon the pun) trade, do you have to put up with much sexual discrimination?

I have to admit I expected some, but on the whole it’s been fine. My publisher doesn’t have a problem with my gender. I get along great with my editor and with other romance writers.

I think if there is discrimination it comes from the reviewers. So far I’ve only had positive reviews, but my books don’t seem to get as many reviews as some other writers. Maybe that’s because the reviewers are avoiding my books because I’m a man. Or maybe they haven’t picked any of my books up because they are going for ‘bigger’ names that they recognise.

Honestly, I don’t know which it is. But what I do know is that reviewers that have reviewed my work have all liked it.

Who was the best erotic romance writer in years gone past?  Hemingway, Byron, Shakespeare, Rochester?

Good question. I don’t think there are many writers who write quite the same sort of thing that passes for erotic romance today. Let’s be honest, as risqué as Shakespeare could get, he never went as far as describing which body parts went here, how often and for how long.

Modern Erotic Romance blends passion, sadness, plot, character development and heaps of graphic sex. My latest novel, “Kissed by a Rose”, has thirteen graphically described sex scenes spread across fifty-three chapters. There’s sex outdoors, in the shower and in the bath, a threesome, the couple download pornography from the internet and then make their own movie. It’s not all ‘throbbing members’ and ‘heaving bosoms’ but ‘real’ language describing what goes on. Some will find it offensive, some will find it a turn on. I’ve seen some submission guidelines from some publishers that demand a sex scene every chapter and where literally anything goes.

But what I write isn’t just erotica. It isn’t just about the sex. They are character driven stories with proper plots and proper conflict. In “Kissed by a Rose” the conflict is internal to the central relationship in the book. And I know it made both my editor and two ‘beta-readers’ cry in just the right places. In the piece I’m currently working on – provisionally titled “Eternally & Evermore” – the conflict is very much coming from outside the relationship in the form of a separate antagonist, much as it was in “Lost & Found”.

In the past, romance writers tended to close the bedroom door and let the couple have some privacy – or else they’d use a certain type of language to describe what was going on that allowed the books past the censors. Modern Erotic Romance isn’t about that. We slip into the bedroom with the couple to see what’s going on. I’ve been told that reading my books feels like watching a movie. But just not the sort of movie you’d expect to see on the BBC, if you know what I mean.

Did you take the cover photos yourself?

No. Phaze has a great art department that put the covers together for the three books I’ve published with them, “Charlotte’s Secret”, “Lost & Found” and “Kissed by a Rose”. I did have a lot of input into their design, which is why all three use my signature font, Scriptina. Of the three I have to admit that I like “Kissed by a Rose” the best. So simple and yet so achingly sexy.

The covers for all the ‘free’ short stories and the free novella on my website were put together by me. I took stock-photos I’ve found around the internet and done some cutting and airbrushing to turn them into covers.

I would have loved to have taken the photos myself – but I don’t know any women willing to pose for free. If you know any, give them my e-mail addy. lol

Would you be happy to see your work turned into films, in the genre of Tinto Brass or Jess Franco? (Google them)?

You know, I’ve even ‘cast’ a couple of my stories. Of course, I can’t really see Kiera Knightly wanting to take on these roles unless some of the scenes were toned down a bit. Rachel Stevens might go for it though since her singing career isn’t going too well right now. I live in hope. (funnily enough, I cast myself opposite both of them. lol)

Are some or all of the heroines fantasy women or are they based on women you have met?  Are any of them based on women you wished you had spoken to, but hadn’t?

It varies. Sometimes the women I write are pure fantasy, sometimes they are based on someone I know or knew be them ex-lovers, wish-they-had-been-lovers or just someone I remember fondly for some reason. At least, that’s how they start out. But more often than not they take on a life of their own and end-up not being based on anyone.

For example, Beth from “Lost & Found” was originally based on a friend I have in the States who I exchange regular e-mails with. We’ve never met anywhere other than online and the premise of the story to start with was a scenario in which we could meet. But as the story developed, Beth stopped being based on my e-mail friend and became a person in her own right.

This happens to all the best characters – any writer will tell you that. If you’ve created the charcter well enough, you no longer have to think about how they might react in any given situation – they’ll tell you how they would react. It’s odd but my characters are as real to me as any of the people I work with on a day to day basis and more real than most of the people I pass in the street.

You are widely traveled, where is the best location for romance, geographically speaking?

Paris. It’s a cliché, to be sure, but there’s just something about the place. I couldn’t even tell you what it is. For me, London comes a close second followed by the dramatic scenery of Wales. There’s a scene in “Kissed by a Rose” where the hero is sitting on a bench on the sea front looking out at the Dolphins leaping out of the water in the distance. Okay, so “Kissed by a Rose” takes place in a town I made up, but substitute Aberystwyth in place of Westmouth and you have a romantic scene straight from my university days.

Where is the best place to propose to a lady?  (I popped the question on the cliffs of Santorini)

Given my last answer this won’t surprise you but… Top of the Eiffel Tower, looking out over Paris.

What kind of following do you have?  Are they all women?

I wish I knew. I think all of the correspondence I’ve had in respect of of work published with Phaze has been from women, but that hasn’t been an awful lot to be honest. I get a lot more feedback from the story I post on ‘free’ websites. That’s partly because the ‘free’ websites actively encourage readers to contact the authors. Most of the authors are doing it as a hobby and the only ‘payment’ they receive it reader feedback. Whereas if you’ve already paid for a book, I think most people think they’ve rewarded the author enough and don’t feel the need to write to him/her.

It would be nice to hear from more readers and find out what they think, but for now i’ll just have to make do with the royalty payments.

Honestly, now, do the lads down the pub know about all this?  What do they think?

No. Do you think I’m stupid? Can you even begin to imagine what they’d say?

You’re a man of many talents, not in the least fatherhood.  What do you like to do to relax?

Actually, writing is my way of relaxing. I know that sounds silly, but if I didn’t enjoy it then I wouldn’t do it

Does your wife proof-read the love scenes?

She does sometimes, but only if she’s feeling frisky.

You wrote a book called Sun, Sea and Shagging.  Were you in Malaga the same week as me or something?  Where is the best spot for all that?

I’ve never actually been to Spain at all. This story was product of an over-active imagination and too many episodes of “Brits Abroad” or some other satellite channel rubbish about lager-lout Brits getting carried away on the continent.

Has the erotic romance industry come a long way (sorry, another bad pun) since it’s heady early days?

These days you can find Erotic Romance across a range of genres from paranormal to Sci-Fi, from suspense to thriller. You’ll even find gay romance written by gay men, gay women and straight women. More of the publishers are putting out print book as well as e-books. Ellora’s Cave averages sales of 70,000 books per month, which is huge. I think erotic romance is better served online than in print. Given the audience is mostly women, and the nature of the literature, I think most women find it easier to download books than walk into Tesco and pick it off the shelf. So when we get a good quality, affordable e-reader, then it will only get bigger. Yes, we have the Sony Reader, but it uses a propriety format, and we have the Amazon Kindle but it’s only available in the US, and both are just too expensive right now. IF we can get a similar reader on the market for around £50, then e-books, and erotic romance, will really take off.

–
–
Marc Nobbs
Author of Contemporary Erotic Romance
Turning Romance on its head

“Kissed by a Rose” – His Power, His Pleasure, His Pain
A New Contemporary Erotic Romance Novel
Buy Now – http://www.king-cart.com/Phaze/product=Kissed%20by%20a%20Rose/exact_match=exact
Search Twitter for #KbaR – http://search.twitter.com/search?q=%23KbaR
View the Trailer – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KaQAk3H2VKM

“Charlotte’s Secret”, A Contemporary Erotic Romance
Available Now from Phaze Books
http://www.king-cart.com/Phaze/product=Charlotte%27s+Secret/exact_match=exact

“Lost & Found”, A Contemporary Erotic Romance
Available Now from Phaze Books
http://www.king-cart.com/Phaze/product=Lost+and+Found/exact_match=exact

http://www.marcnobbs.com
http://www.myspace.com/marcnobbs
http://marcnobbs.blogspot.com
http://twitter.com/marcnobbs
http://marcnobbstwitter.blogspot.com/

The stars pay tribute to Michael Jackson

Michael Jackson was remembered yesterday at a public memorial amid a cast of the greatest African-American talent of our generation.

The Jackson family led Mariah Carey. Stevie Wonder, Lionel Richie, Beyonce Knowles and Queen Latifah in remembrance of Michael’s life and achievements..

But perhaps the most heart-rending were the speech by his daughter, Paris, remembering him as ‘The best father in the world’.  Until now a virtual unknown, it is the first time that the Jackson children have been literally unveiled to the world.

Lionel Richie sang the gospel hymn ‘Jesus is Love’ and Queen Latifah spoke of a world united by the grief and loss of a true star.

“From Birmingham, Atlanta, to Birmingham, England, we are Missing Michael Jackson.”

Stevie Wonder followed this up with his hits ‘Never Dreamed You’d Leave’, and ‘They Won’t Go When I Go.’  The crowd, many in tears, gave a standing ovation.

The proceedings at the Staples Centre were presided over by Reverend Al Sharpton who spoke of Michael ‘Bringing Blacks, Whites and Asians together.’  It was broadcast live on national and international television and in a score of languages.

Michael Jackson was lain in a casket reportedly costing £15,000, made of solid bronze, lined with gold and blue velvet.  It was placed on a stage surrounded by floral tributes from the great and the good.  In front of this was a simple plaque that stated: ‘In Loving Memory of Michael Jackson, King of Pop 1958-2009’.

The BBC was heavily criticized for declining to spare two hours of it’s BBC2 schedule to cover the memorial.  The British media, in particular, the Guardian, have been somewhat sardonic in their choice of remarks, and there is a general feeling that the mainstream media have misjudged the mood of the public.  People wanted to grieve, and we should let them.  We must remember that the public knew him for over thirty years, most of us had grown up with him music, and we owe to him a lot of happy memories.

The city of Los Angeles fell silent as people sat at home and watched the memorial on TV.  LA talk show host Devyn Ashley said:  “I saw it all, was in my house sobbing my eyes out, especially at the end when the family spoke.”

Reverand Sharp gave his epitaph to the Jackson children, ‘There wasn’t nothing strange about your daddy, it was strange what he had to put up with.’

The memorial closed with the song 'We are the world'.

The atmosphere in the auditorium was peaceful, friendly and in a strange way celebratory.  I have no doubt that this is exactly how Michael would have wanted it when he said that his funeral would be ‘The show of shows.’

Perhaps it was.

Credits:  Many thanks to Queen Bee and the Hive of LA Talk Radio.  Thanks also to the Telegraph and Getty images.  The cheque is in the post guys.  What, they lost it?  Again?

Hot new Megan Fox pictures: Jennifer’s Body

The hot  ticket for the autumn will be Megan Fox’s new comedy horror, Jennifer’s Body.  This is Megan’s first lead role, brought forward to capitalize on her enormous popularity.

So, the plot:  Jennifer (That’s Megan) is a hot yet mean cheerleader who comes to a grisly fate and is possessed by a demon who delights itself by feeding on mid-western farm boys.  Her nemesis is former friend Needy (Amanda Seyfried) who has to escape a correctional facility to destroy the demon.  Then she goes after the Satan-loving rock band who caused this grisly transformation.

The laundrette had a terrible flooding issue

Jennifer’s Body is directed by Diablo Cody, who had a major success with teen pregnancy comedy Juno.  Since Megan’s meteoric rise to fame her first leading role has been eagerly anticipated.  It seems the world cannot get enough of the ravishing Miss Fox.

See the trailer here:

Megan is also a successful model

Megan Fox first came to our attention as an actress after a successful modelling career.  Her early work involved small parts in Olson sisters movies, going straight to video.  She took a small role in TV show Ocean Avenue and had a blink-and-miss-her spot in Bad Boys 2.

Supporting roles continued to trickle in:  Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen starred Lindsay Lohan  as the main high school villainess.  Megan saw a disctict pattern forming, her roles always seemed to be mean, bitchy, or spoilt.  Sometimes all three!

Finally a more consistant role came her way in Hope & Faith.  She played Sydney Shanowski for 36 episodes before the series was cancelled.  Things looked dicey for a while.

You can't get fitter than a fit, hot fitter

But her big breakthrough finally came when she took the part of Mikaela Baines in 2007’s Transformers Movie, alongside Shia LeBeouf and a hell of a lot of CGI Robots that used to litter my bedroom carpet.  A role in 2008’s How to Lose Friends and Alienate People swiftly followed.

Suddenly she found herself in huge demand and a choice of roles.  She took the zombie cheerleader because it appealed to her slightly warped sense of humour.

Also due for release is her less well known film, Whore, co-starring Rumar Willis (daughter of Bruce).

www.movie-moron.com is my new favourite website.

Well every now and again a website comes along and makes you think – damn why didn’t I think of that?  www.movie-moron.com is that kind of website.

The brainchild of Sheridan Passell, the website has drawn together a wealth of understated tinsel town talent, all of whom are known just by their first names.

It has a refreshingly honest and forthright view of movies, with the 2AM reviewers giving their reviews in the foyer of the cinema or often in the street outside.  At 2AM.

They bring together reviews, previews, a lot of fun stuff and a very lively forum.  They must have spies in a lot of camps for the sheer amount of stuff they know.  Furthermore they actively promote the movies they like, and are happy to recommend them.

And boy, do they like their lists.  The top ten Star Wars quotes, cool facts about Gremlins, sweatiest film stars, to name but three.  But they are well researched and knowledgeable.

So if you like movies and want the latest pictures, meet your new best friend.

With all the enthusiasm of an emaciated mouse I went straight to the big cheese, boss Sheridan Passell.

Sheridan Passell

You seem to have assembled the ‘dream team’ of film buffs, how did you all get together?

We’ve been around for a couple of years and people have got in contact gradually over that time. We also put an ‘appeal’ video of sorts on YouTube and it got a good response.

Why are there so many remakes, reboots and sequels these days?

Well the fact is there are many more movies getting released these days than there ever used to be. It was once three or four a week, now it seems to be seven or eight. There are plenty of original films out there, but the fact is that audiences don’t go and see them. That applies to the big budget films too. Did you go and see Stealth or The Island in 2005? They were original studio pictures but they flopped. The Island really wasn’t too bad either, a damn site better than Bad Boys 2. Audiences get more of what they ask for. The other reason for remakes/reboots/sequels is that movies are an investment and anything you can do to reduce the risk on your investment, you’re going to do it, that means looking for a project with a built in audience, that’s what familiar titles have.
Who is 2009’s hot new director in your opinion?

I don’t see anyone outstanding right now. I suppose keep an eye on Duncan Jones, director of Moon, he could do great things.

Which film was your favourite as a kid?  Would a remake ruin the memory?

I don’t go with the majority opinion that remakes are terrible things, I’m fine with them, the only thing that upsets me is when potential is wasted. I was excited to see how they would update John Carpenter’s The Fog, for example, but it turned out those involved weren’t competent enough to set up a lemonade stand. Again, with Halloween, I was really curious to see that remade, but the result was unbearable as a film, let alone a remake. Remakes don’t ruin the originals, they’re still there on the shelf just as they always were. …unless it’s the original Star Wars trilogy.
Can we look forward to a summer of fantastic movies?

Well we’re half way through and it’s slim pickings. Fantastic movies, we’ve had about 1 4/5. That’s ‘Up’, and most of ‘Star Trek’. ‘Bruno’ should be good value even though there’s absolutely nothing cinematic about it, ‘Potter’ should be pretty close to the previous chapter , ‘Inglourious Basterds’ will divide audiences and ‘GI Joe’ is ready to take up the role of summer abomination.

So go join their forum at:

www.movie-moron.com

www.redfenceproject.com (check this out too)

Nick Gilmartin

Copyright 2009

Squirrel escape in cleavage drama!

Watch this video first..

Well if you have a little furry mammal where else would you keep it?  In a squirrel bag?

It baffles me as to why she kept it down there in the first place, but there you go.  But it does leave one unanswered question:

If you were a squirrel, whose cleavage would you want to live in?

The best world leaders for a night out

I just had your girlfriend and her sister

The leaders of Britain and Ireland are a bit of a dull, grasping lot.  Their personality colour chart seems to range from beige to grey.

Meanwhile across le channel and a few hours drive we have two of the most flamboyant, roguish, hormonal, overgrown teenagers ever to set foot in the European Parliament.

Mr Brown and Mr Cowen, could we swap you for Monsieur Sarkozy and Signor Berlusconi for a month?  Oh go on, it would be fun.

'Ello Sexy laydeez, come to ze champagne room weeth me?

Our continental cousins seem to have a lot more fun in their work than Britain and Ireland.   Nicolas Sarkozy is an oversexed, hugely ambitious diddyman, like scrappy-do with a permanent hard-on.  Or perhaps like Pepe le pew on Viagra.  He gets his kicks by telling the French that they may have to work more than 35 hours a week.  Mon dieu!  Imagine working 40 hour weeks?  The whole country needed a lie down in a darkened room when he told them.  He is all for strengthening the Entente Cordiale, and has very strong views on law and order.  We need this man in number 10.

Free Health Board Breast Check

He picked his female cabinet member specifically for their good looks and dress sense.  He thinks nothing of telling his female staff to wear shorter skirts and tight blouses.  Sid the Sexist looks bashful in comparison, and yet France seems to love him for it.  He sees every man as a rival and every woman as something to be conquered.

Do I look dead sophisticated in me bandanna?

And as for Silvio Berluscone, well at least he has excellent taste in women, even if they do range from jailbait to hookers.  He has that kind of bedside manner that just leaves people open mouthed.  Did he really just say that?  Ricky Gervais could not have scripted some of Silvio’s little gems. During a televised encounter with voters on 10 April 2008 a young woman asked Silvio Berlusconi what the younger generation should do about the lack of secure jobs. He promptly suggested that she try to marry “the son of Berlusconi… with a smile like yours, you could try.”  Cue stunned silence.

Well you can hardly blame him

He is a former film director so I suppose he is used to getting his way with the fit young things.  But his attempts to get 18 year old Noemi Letizia into government (or bed more likely) looks a bit pathetic.  Still, you can’t blame him for trying.  Berlusconi is said by many to be a national embarrassment, and the Pope has publicly belated him for acting like Rod Stewart.  When a former member of the Hitler Youth lectures you on morality you know you have overstepped the mark.

Of course, it won't happen again your grace. Honest. No, really.

But never since the days of Clinton and Yeltsin, has there been two world leaders you would love a night on the town with.  You know it would end up with a visit to a strip club, a fight and a kebab.  And probably a taxi ride home with a young lady of the night on each arm.

Keep up the good work fellas!

UK V Ireland: Battle of the Boring PMs

Is he smiling or is it just wind?

It has recently occured to me that the British Prime Minister has a lot in common with his Irish counterpart.

Gordon Brown and Brian Cowen both have a face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle, and a temprament to match.  And they both came to power within months via very similar routes.

James Gordon Brown was born in Glasgow, Scotland, the son of a minister of the Church of Scotland.  While studying at the univerity of Edinborough he was kicked in the head during a rugby union match.  This left him with retina detachment which sent him blind in one eye.  He only narrowly retained sight in his other eye after experimental surgery in Edinborough hospital.  Later in life he proved a highly competent Chancellor of the Exchequer before ruining it all by becoming Prime Minister after an awful lot of moaning and sulking.

In the recent leadership challenges he has been depicted as a crazed King Macbeth, clinging to power over a corrupt and decadent court.

Hello gorgeous, do you come here often?

Brian Cowen, another man not blessed with film-star good looks, rules the roost over the Irish sea.  He too was something of a sportsman in his day and is still an official in the Gaelic Athletic Association.  Luckily he suffered no mishaps on the pitch and he did well at school.  Like Brown, he was not known for his diplomacy or sunny personality, and he soon gained a unique acronym, BIFFO.  That is, Big Ignorant Fecker From Offally.  Clearly, then, a man of the people.

He worked hard as a  TD (Irish Member of Parliment), then as a cabinet member, then as a minister of various posts.  Finally his corrupt boss, Bertie Ahern,  was given the push and Brian got the top job.

If Britain thinks Brown is incompetent then Cowen seems to be univerally detested.  The French paper, La Tribune, listed him 26 out of 27 on a list of Europe’s most effective leaders.  Naturally, the insisted that Nicolas Sarcozy came first.  Trust the bloody French.  Don’t let it bother you, Brian.

Hardly a rembrant unfortunately

However his career took an interesting as a life model.  Bright and early one April morning the National Gallery of Ireland curators found a new addition to their portraits.  Some joker had donated a rather good painting of Brian in the nude, and another one of him on the toilet.  It made international headlines though nobody was ever charged.

Please do Gordon Brown next. We have money.. actually, we don't.

So the leaders of the British and Irish Isles are a rather dull boring sort, the kind you would desperately aviod down the pub.  Both are married with kids, to  presumably, very patient women who don’t do wild boyfriends.   Maybe they need a weekend with Nicolas and Silvio to sort out their image.

Classic 80s Boy TV

I remember when I was a boy TV was a lot more exciting.  We had no reality TV to speak of, and we were no worse for it.  We had fantastic telly, programmes full of action, adventure and larger than life characters.

Knight Rider and the A-Team, the most common examples,  have been covered ad nausium so we won’t rake through them again.  But does anybody remember this lot?

Airwolf & Blue Thunder

In the era of the Apache and the HIND-D these two look remarkably quaint.  Crime fighting 80s helicopters with tremendous ability to blow things up.  Every boy wanted a model chopper.  Airwolf ran for three years with Jan-Michael Vincent and Ernest Borgnine (who is still going strong at 90).  It’s chopper had a turbo boost, stealth ability and three cannon that could whack anything out of the sky or on land.  It ran for four seasons.

Blue Thunder was the K-Mart version.  It ran as a spin-off from the 1983 film of the same name (in spite of the helicopter being destroyed at the end of the film).  It starred James Farentino, Bubba Smith (the huge cop in police academy) and Dana Carvey (long before he became Garth in Wayne’s World).  It ran for one series.

The biggest playground debate of 1984 was who would win a dogfight between the two helicopters?  Opinion remains deeply divided.

Manimal

A crime fighting human shape shifter?  What’s not to like?  Well the special effects were remarkably crap (this was in the days long after the Thriller video), and the acting was somewhat wooden.  The main character looked very pompous and English among the Americans and the plots were somewhat over fantastical.  Even so it did scrape through one season before it’s under-budgetting problems forced it to be cancelled.

Manimal and it’s predecessor, Blue Thunder, had one major opponent.  It wasn’t gun-toting thugs, shapeshifters or even rival helicopters.  It was a soap opera called Dallas on at the same time on the other side.  And nobody could beat a dose of J R Ewing’s family exploits in those days.

And we had only the one telly.  Ferguson, probably.

Moving on we had Knight Rider on two wheels, Street Hawk. I distinctly remember mine and a mate’s response to seeing an advert for Street Hawk on TV.  We both had delirious grins, we would definitely be watching that!

See also Highwayman, with Flash Gordon’s Sam Jones driving a high tech truck, very much like Knight Rider. By now a familiar pattern was forming, with CBS and ABC trying to come up with the most imaginative Boy TV they could (and often couldn’t) afford.  Usually the best they could afford was a pilot film and a single series.

ABC brought in Glen A Larson, creator of Battlestar Galactica for one last throw of the dice.

Automan was hugely expensive and lasted, surprise, surprise, a single season.  It was about a police computer geek who creates this holographic superhero called Automan.  Naturally Automan fights crime, drives a car that starts, stops and takes corners instantly in a jump.  Both figures can merge into a single conciousness.  Automan looked remarkably like Tron, a film released the previous year and ABC had to carefully dodge plagurism accusations.  It lasted one series as usual.

Finally somebody came up with something different.

V (AKA The Visitors) was a better than average story of Alien Invasion by stealth.  It starred Beast Master’s Marc Singer as a heroic reporter.  The antagonists were a bunch of mysterious humanoid aliens masquerading as humans.  Under their rubber skin they had green reptilian features and sinister intentions for the human race.  They used special effects to project images of aliens swallowing small animals.  I remember covering the hamster cage before watching.  Well I didn’t want the little fellow to have nightmares.

It wasn’t half bad and lasted a lot longer than previous efforts.  They made a mini-series and then a sequel the following year.  It was very big budget and starred a lot of acting talent.  Unfortunately the series was cancelled unexpectedly and the storyline was left on a cliffhanger.

A remake of the series is currently in post production.  We wait with bated breath.

So all that represented a certain golden age of 80s TV, long before Sky, Murdoch, fifty channels of shite and sodding Big Brother has the X Factor on Ice.  It is a reminder of the sheer effort some TV producers went to to keep us entertained, long before they realised we were happy enough just watching a room full of dysfunctionals arguing among themselves.

Long live 80s Television.

All of the above are available as boxed sets from www.amazon.com

Michael Jackson 1958 – 2009

It has been confirmed in the last few hours that the king of pop, Michael Jackson, has passed away.  The cause of death is said to be cardiac arrest. Family and friends are flying into Los Angeles to pay respects.

Michael was born in Gary, Indiana in 1958, the youngest of ten children who survived birth.

The original Jackson Five

He started performing aged just 11 as part of the original formatted boy band, the Jackson 5.  By 1969 the family, managed by their father, Joe, had cut a record deal.  They went from strength to strength, pushed by Joe, who was an incredibly hard task master.  In later years the Jacksons would talk openly of violence and abuse at their father’s hands.

But in 1979 Michael had his first solo album, and ‘Off the Wall’ was soon riding high in the charts.  He started to develop ground-breaking choreography and perfected his stage presence and innovated the new wave of MTV videos.  But what he did best was sing beautiful songs in the most tremendous falsetto voice, the likes of which have not been heard before or since.

His appearance started to alter dramatically with a rapidly whitening skin and extensive rhinoplasty to the nose.

Throughout the 1980s and early 1990s he broke record sales of his albums, Dangerous and Bad.  Michael had become a music phenomenon.  But behind the scenes Michael had developed strange and unhealthy behaviour.

As far back as the early 80s he had developed an affinity with children, at first commendable.  But the problem was that somewhere the boundry of acceptable behaviour became blurred and inevitably the first child abuse scandal broke in 1993.

The family of Jordan Chandler chose to settle out of court for an undisclosed sum.

Meanwhile Michael’s star continued to shine.  He endulged his extravagant behaviour and bought the Neverland ranch, complete with it’s own cinema, zoo and funfair.

He married Lisa Marie Presley, daughter of another musical icon, in 1993.  They had known each other since 1971 and were old sweethearts.  She married him when he was at his lowest ebb and nursed him through his traumatic patch.

Slowly things got better for Michael and he embarked on the HIStory world tour.  ‘You are not Alone’ and ‘Earth Song’ both reached number one in the Gallup charts.

In 1997 ‘Blood on the Dance Floor’ also made it to number one, as part of a new album ‘HIStory remixed.’

But the child sex abuse rumours resurfaced and in 2002 he was again questioned by police.  A well publicised court case followed which  ran a fine tooth comb through his unusual life.  Eventually the court found Michael not guilty on all counts.

To his last  day he did not fit the character profile of a paedophile.  In the company of children he regressed to the mind and personality of a ten year old, according to psychologists who watched him interact.  Did this oscillate between childhood and a fully grown male sexuality?  The answer will never be known.

As well as his singing career Michael became the owner of various song rights, including the Beatles back catalogue.  He also bought out Famous Music LLC, the label that contracted Eminem and Shakira among many others.

He gave charity concerts for the families of the victims of 9/11, and the families of Kosovo.

In spite of success huge legal bills and years of extravagance had left him massively in debt.  Neverland was foreclosed  in 2007.  Early in 2009 some of Michael’s antique possessions were put up for auction.

But Michael was planning his comeback.  He announced he would be playing no less than 50 dates at London’s O2 Arena.  The first ten dates alone would have netted him £50 Million.

Sadly it was not to be.  Michael’s health had been in decline for weeks.  Telephoto pictures of him wrapped in blankets in a wheelchair made their way into the tabloid press.  And in the early hours of this morning the stories were confirmed, he had died of Cardiac Arrest on the way to a Los Angeles medical centre.

He will remain the most prominent performing legends of our generation and one of the biggest selling artists of all time.

Michael Jackson 1958 – 2009.