Nick Gilmartin's Weblog

Photo by Doug Jaegar

Comedian Jessica Delfino is back on home soil after a month shocking the hell out of  the UK from as far north as Edinburgh to as far south as Reading.    Just to bring her back down to earth she was promptly told to repack her unwashed laundry and pushed on to a train down to the deep south for a week to entertain the good people of North Carolina.

Having survived all that she finally put her feet up to check her e-mail and there is this guy from England trying to contact her for another  interview.  The true professional that she is, she got back to me pretty much straight away.

The Vagina song:  My Pussy is Magic!  Do you think (Whhhooohhoooooooowww!!) Bodyform or Fannyfresh Sanitary towels will be using it for their advertising campaign?

Actually, Always (brand of maxi pads) has already just recently begun using a “Magic” slogan / angle in a new ad campaign. I’m expecting a royalty check in the mail, but it probably “got lost”. Anyway, I’ve explained before — my pussy isn’t really magic, its just really tight, like one of those chinese finger traps. But I couldn’t have written a song called “My Pussy Is Like A Chinese Finger Trap” because that would have been racist.

When Sir Walter Raleigh returned from the UK he brought back Tobacco and Potatoes for Queen Elizabeth to try.  “Thats right, Liz, you burn the leaves in your face, sure it’s safe, babe.”  If you had an audience with President Obama, what would you bring him back from the UK and why?

Chocolate porn

I’d bring him one of those sweet ass Twirl chocolate bars with all that chocolate bunched up like a crumbly scroll of confection perfection, because them shits just melt in your mouth. We’d eat them together, savoring each chocolate wrinkle, discussing the importance of taking a moment to feast upon a tasty treat with a friend. I would make no metaphoric references or racial comparisons to the goodys we enjoyed. It’s not about race. It’s about the snack, man.

Do you feel any wiser for the UK experience?

You betcha. I learned that driving on the wrong side of the road is easy, climbing mountains is best done during daylight hours except that sometimes if you climb during the day, you get stung by wasps, buddhists are nice and cook yummy, gassy food, there are good sights to be seen in the UK, Faith No More still rocks, my friends are awesome, my UK fans and new friends are way cooler than other people who suck, the 24 hour stomach bug comes on quickly and is a huge asshole, and pounds are so much better than dollars. But the last one I already knew, it was just reiterated. Also, the Brits do not call their phone a “jingly-doo”.

Did you get as many Wolf-whistles in the UK as you did in the US?

Naw, UK dudes are polite. Even the flirtatious Russell Brand was a gentleman. Instead of “wolf-whistling” me, as you call it (we call it “cat-calling”) they strolled up, removed their top hats, announced the style of weather we were surrounded by, invited me to enjoy a hot beverage or trip to the countryside and if I declined, bid me a good day.

So there you have it.  If you feel an uncontrollable desire to see her perform live keep checking her myspace page (remember those?) or on her twitter account or her blog.

www.myspace.com/jessydelfino

www.twitter.com/jessicadelfino

www.jessydelfino.blogspot.com

If I blend in, the cops might walk right by

Hey! Watch me swallow this thing

Well since we are playing catch up this week I thought it would be a great idea to hook up with Sara Benincasa, the girl from New Jersey who has been tickling funny-bones from New York to South Carolina.

She will be working her one-woman show, Agorafabulous, every Saturday night from 1 August until 29 August at the Pit in New York City (check out www.thepit-nyc.com).  She can induce an asthma attack on anybody old and rich just by saying stuff on stage, but she charges extra for that.

So I finally managed to stalk, sorry track down, this lady for a little chat:

Sarah Palin recently resigned her post as Governor of Alaska, doing you out of living as a Palin impersonator.  Does this bitch have no considereration for other people’s comedy careers?  Doesn’t she realize we are in the middle of a recession?  How could she do this to a struggling commedienne?

The shows are going really well.  Are you surviving life on the road more or less?

Seth Grahame Smith, you have a lot to answer for buddy!

First it was Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, a timeless tale of love, loss, and flesh eating monsters.

Now Quirky books brings you Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters.

In the same format, they took a PDF file for a classic and inserted the sea monster carnage in red print.  Probably after one joint too many by the looks of it.

Allow me to read you a small extract:

“As she lay gasping on the bank, soaked by the fetid water and the foul juices of the monster, spitting small bits of brain and gore from the corners of her mouth, a gentleman clad in a diving costume and helmet, and carrying a harpoon gun, ran to her assistance,” write Austen and her new co-author, Brooklyn writer Ben H Winters. “The gentleman, opening the circular, hinged portcullis on the front of his helmet, offered his services; and perceiving that her modesty declined what her situation rendered necessary, took her up in his arms without further delay and carried her down the hill.”

So far there has been no official reaction to this splicing of literature and carnage.  When PP and Z came out the old lits were remarkable game about it, I suppose as they figured it was a one-off.  But if this turns into a whole genre they may go shouty crackers at us.

And it is turning into a genre at a rapid rate.  According to US copyright law the book has to have been published before 1923 for it to be usable for a re-print of this fashion.  Coming soon we have (deep breath):

Queen Victoria: Demon Hunter

I am Scrooge: A zombie story for christmas

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.

A Farewell to Arms and Legs

So you get the picture, right?  Monster mash ups are the new big thing in Borders with PP and Z selling 50,000 copies in the UK and 600,000 in the US.  And there are movies in the pipeline too, PP and Z being only the first.  How long before Rob Zombie or Lloyd Kaufmann catch on to all this?  I think Kaufmann would find it more appealing, this being the man who brought us Cannibal: The musical.

So I will definitely be buying a copy of SS and S when it comes out, it looks fun.  Available 15th September

Out of the way Das Fritz, Geldof is coming through

A flash message communicated to the Admiralty early this morning gave a thrilling message. Captains Bob Geldof and Roger Taylor had won a fantastic naval victory of Ibiza in the Balaeric Islands, defeating Count Leopold Bismarck in open combat.

What were two wrinkly rock stars doing taking on the Kreigsmarine in the Mediterrainean? Well it was all for charity.

At the Ibiza Regatta earlier last week the two were appointed Captain of the sailing yachts Alexa and Tiger Lily.  Up against them was Count Bismarck in Bushido, determined to avenge the loss of the ship named after his ancestor, to the British navy.

Das Kapitan was totally unprepared for the sudden fog

The battle at sea was long and fierce with Geldof and Bismarck giving no quarter.  Finally in a display of sheer balls-out seamanship Geldof sailed dangerously close to the rocks, and far off course, to cut across the bow of Bismarck.  The two ships drew level and boarding parties fought tooth and oar.  In the end it was Geldof who won the day and Bismarck congratulated him on his sportsmanship.

At the after-party a large cheque was signed and much champagne was drunk as the two toasted their success as the ghosts of Drake and Nelson applauded wildly.

Land of hope and glory, mother of the free.. erm.. la la

Cancel all army leave, call up the riot police, roll back the carpets and load up the shotguns. Because Jessica Delfino is coming to England.

Jess has been making her name on the stand-up circuit over the last few years and this lady has some unusual trophies in her collection. She won the Stoned Spelling Bee contest (self-explanatory, but it sure sounds funny). She managed a record-breaking mayoral campaign for Christopher Brodeur.

She has featured on BBC radio’s Loose Ends programme and Russell Brand’s radio show. Jesus, imagine those two together.

And, God help us, she is coming to the UK later this year. She will be playing gigs at the Leeds and Reading festivals, Edinburgh and Soho.

More recently she played live shows across Ireland and Edinburgh.  Here is some of her stand up show.

So we grabbed her sorry ass, sat her down and shone a light in her face.  She asked for her lawyer and a phone call.  We tightened the handcuffs.  Finally she cracked.  Here is her confession.

According to the Catholic Church you are going to burn in hell. Who are you looking forward to meeting down there?

All of the people who have told me I’d be going to hell. See ya there, suckers! But seriously, I don’t really believe in hell. I think I’m there, now. I think that Hell is a place on Earth, sorta like that Belinda Carlisle song.

And they say you have been providing ammunition to the terrorists? What type of ammo is the most popular among the Taliban these days?

According to the Catholic League, the Taliban apparently really like using f-bombs (and other “f” words) and also vaginas full of glitter, sprinkles and rainbow fluff as their weapons of choice. The worst part about getting hit with a fanny full of glitter is getting all the sparkles out of your clothing and hair later. It’s a real bitch to clean up and the Taliban knows that.

You recently toured Ireland, any road stories you care to tell? They have a wonderful way of giving road directions.

At the end of my Roisin Dubh show in Galway, I requested someone in the audience drive me to the Cliffs of Moher or get me some pot. A cute gent named Cian came to my rescue. He said he had his starter’s permit and could accommodate both of my requests. The next morning he and his friend “Crazy Mary” met me at my hotel, and he, she, myself and a friend drove in his tiny car with a huge red “L” on the windshield through the beautiful, hairpin curves of the countryside to the cliffs. I kept expecting Jimmy Page to leap out from behind a rock and play Bron Yr Aur. Every time we met another car, one of us had to pull over so the other could pass. We met a parade of really old time-y vehicles on our way and I thought maybe we’d accidentally driven through some ancient Celtic porthole. Parking at the cliffs cost a lot but Cian was a local and knew a secret off site spot in some farmer’s field so we parked on his potato patch and walked fromthere.

The cliffs were breathtaking. I was floored that it wasn’t fenced in the way America has fenced in every natural wonder we have. Cian said several people leapt over the cliffs each year. I say “thank you” to the Irish government for letting their people govern themselves. Jumping off a cliff is a basic human right.

You are performing in two festivals this year, so you may never feel clean again. Have you ever tried using a rickety chemical toilet at 03.00 after your fifth joint?

I heard no one uses the chemical toilets at all. I heard they just go on the ground and dance in it until it becomes a swarming fecal cesspool. I look forward to observing the indigenous festival peoples, and maybe even participating in their local pastimes, as well.

Could you happily live in London?

I LOVE London. London loves comedy, and Londoners are smart and quick, and funny and ribald themselves. London is a city I could happily live in. But I’m currently in love with another city. NY City is amazing. It treats you like shit, overcharges you to live and eat, swallows you up in it’s grandeur, makes sure you know you’ll never be good enough, and acts like it’s shit doesn’t stink. NY is like an abusive boyfriend that you just can’t leave. So though I could happily live in London, London and I would first have to devise a plan to KILL NY.

Your forefathers brought Nylons and Hershey bars to our country in return for a good time. What are you bringing, in return for a good time?

I’m bringing a good time in exchange for nylons and chocolate. So get your London Hosiery and your Cadbury Flakes and Crunchies ready for me.

Jessica is playing the following dates.

Latitude Festival — July 17-19
Soho Theatre — July 21-15 @ 21:55, every night in “More Dirty Folk Rock”. Mon & Tue are two for one £.

Duckie in Battersea, London — August 1

Edinburgh Fringe Festival @ Jekyll and Hyde, “Jessica Delfino — I Wanna Be Famous” 21:55 Aug 6-25

Reading & Leeds Festivals — August 28-30

Based on the best-selling book by Seth Grahame-Smith

You may not have heard of this book but it is an updated classic, Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice, with a bit of a twist. Comedy author Seth Grahame-Smith has liberally added a sprinkling of undead violence and bloodletting just to spice things up a bit. As Barry Norman would say, and why not?

And according to the L.A. Times Hollywood studios are queuing up for the movie rights.

The synopsis is that England is under siege from a zombie hoard with London a walled city to keep out the ‘manky dreadfuls’. Most of the cast live within this walled city surrounded by privilege. Very much like real life then.

Grahame-Smith started by pasting the text of the classic novel on to a word document then added the zombie parts in a red font.

Who could resist such a wonderfully silly idea to defile a classic novel with a bit of shock horror?

Apparently Jane Austin enthusiasts have been remarkably game about the book, and are looking forward to seeing the big screen adaptation.

More on this story as it develops.

Well the G20 was a huge success by all accounts. But if you want to know what really happened you had to be reading their twitter feed from about 23.00-05.00 that night.

President Obama was sat at dinner next to the leaders of Korea, Germany and Japan. Three countries his predecessors had systematically bombed to hell. If the waiter was Vietnamese the image would be complete.

Got any ketchup, Oliver?

Down the table the Czech premier would be drowning his awkwardness in beer, while next door the Netherlands premier went outside for a relaxing spliff.

Opposite Gordon Brown we had the premier of Saudi Arabia, who was probably bewildered, wondering which eye was real.

Brazil and Mexico probably got on well, leaving Russia with Turkey to chat to, never an easy moment, given their mutual history.

Sarkozy of France and the Spanish premier would be talking over South Africa, who was sat between them. He probably wanted to crawl over a minefield to get out of there.

On the opposite corner we have Kevin Rudd, the Aussie premier, who was probably in a blind panic, never having seen so much cutlery in his whole life. Next to him we have the king of Ethiopia, who had probably never seen so much food in his whole life, God love him.

So after dinner Brown decides to take them all into town. He has had a load of t-shirts printed, one for each of them.

On the front it says G20 Crew – What goes on tour stays on tour.

On the back it says their names. Obama – Mr Prezz. Brown – Hawkeye, France – I Only Shag Supermodels, Australia – No Worries, Ethiopia – King Rasta, and so on.

So they take a convoy of taxis into town and have a look around. Brown apologizes for all the mess, they had a bit of a riot this morning, apparently. London looked like a war zone. Broken bottles, hair, lost testicles and blood spilled over the mean streets. So where best to start but a strip bar?

I don't fancy yours much

Well they walk in and France isn’t impressed, He is shagging Carla Bruni so obviously none of this lot are good enough for him. He takes particular exception to the tall blonde on the door, and Brown has to explain that it is, in fact, Peter Stringfellow, the owner of the bar. Obama is busy signing the strippers tits, like a pro. He gets a two girl lap dance. Indonesia spends the next twenty minutes in the bathroom then comes out all sweaty. Brown does his trick where he stick his glass eye between the strippers tits, squishes them together then catches it in his mouth.

Insert eyeball here

Next they get a bit hungry so they move on to a Chinese place on Old Kent Road. It is run by a cousin of the Chinese Premier, apparently. Jamie Oliver’s portions were a bit shady, so they were starving. Then while they were sat there this Chinese Elvis guy comes on stage and gives them a rousing rendition of ‘Heartblake Hotew’.

After that what can you do but move on to a sticky carpet disco, and seen how the other half lives. Mexico gets the tequila shots in, Netherlander goes down the street to score some weed. Aussie boy would definitely have taken them to Earls court, to see a proper London boozer, run, naturally by an all-Australian bar team.

So 'zis where all the sheila's are?

I was fairly lucky when my parents named me.  I come from a fairly noble old Irish family with a sensible name.  Heck, we even have our own crest, a cross with a sun and moon on the arms.  We have a motto ‘God is my help’ (though I sometimes think ‘God help us’ would have been more appropriate).  They picked a good first name, Nicholas, which could be shortened to the well-hard sounding Nick.

So spare a thought for the poor souls with less than salubrious names.  Such unsung heroes and heroines as:

Barry Cade

Carry Oakey

Jenny Taylor (keep saying it fast and you will get the joke)

Jo King

Mr Titman (I actually served this guy once.  I didn’t meet his wife, which was a shame).

Tim O’ Tahy

Susan Melley (She went to school with my mum)

Sue Mee (And she was a solicitor to boot)

And if you think that’s bad spare a thought for her brother Roger…

Last night at work, we had a truly extraordinary act on, they were amazing!

I had seen these guys once before.  Three guys dress as waiters and blend in with the rest of us, serve drinks, clear plates and whatever.  Then they do a bit of a comedy announcement then a bit of opera.  Before you know it they have the whole room joining in singing nessun dorma and allsorts.  Needless to say the Golfies loved them.  It isn’t often I see a really good act but you do occasionally get a superb one.

Apart from that, things are going ok.  We were at Claire’s parents yesterday, and caught up with them for the first time since they were away on holiday.  They were caravanning throughout France, as far down as Andorra before turning back.  They saw some amazing places and met some wonderful people.  It is really great to see them getting out and about after the year of hardship we all had last year.

With luck I might actually get to see my own mum in a week or two if I can arrange to get the time off.  Lets hope.

By the way the writing is coming on well now.  I have even found a site that reckons it pays freelance writers.  Well, we will have to wait and see.

I have a long weekend ahead of me yet, two weddings and a golf day.  Hopefully, no funeral.

Buonos nightios

Nick

“Jeysus, nobody goes in there cos it is always packed.”

“I didn’t know what anal sex was till I was thirteen, I thought it was a man and a woman rubbing their arses up and down each other.”

“What happened when you became thirteen?”

“Oh I became an alter boy.”

During a minute’s silence for 9/11 “WHATS THE MINUTES SILENCE FOR NICK?”

“For all the dead of september 11th” Says I, trying to whisper.

“AH ROIGHT.”

“Jeysus darling you’re ugly enough to be my girlfriend. Don’t worry luv, you’re not fat enough!”
And they went home together..

The same guy the week earlier “Hi baby, you’re good looking enough to be a model. For Evans.”
He meant it as a compliment, he told me as I passed him an ice pack.

Me and Frank stood at the bar in a quiet period. “We buried the mother in law the other day.” After a moment I replied: “Is she dead then?”
Frank looks at his watch and says “Aye probably.”

When I hear more I will pass them on. I sometimes contribute to www.overheardindublin.com
Some of the stuff on there is priceless!

Nick