Nick Gilmartin's Weblog

And he used to be such a nice, quiet boy

The Real Hotel Babylon

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From 1995-2004 I worked for a succession of top range hotels both in the UK and Ireland.  Some anecdotes I would like to share with you here..

I once had my own little late-night poolside bar, all to myself.  I used to dim the lights and play old soul classics, feeling like Humphrey Bogart.  The trouble was the customers I usually got at the end of the night were usually drunken obnoxious salesmen with nothing better to do and nobody else to annoy.

Anyway I pick up some very drunken advice from various odds and sods. Such as:

“Three things to stay away from, Nick, Hard drugs, Homosexuality and Bungee jumping.

..and never have sex with a girl with the same name as your sister.”

One time I served breakfast to the ’ladies’ under 21 rugby team.  I have never seen a more ferocious bunch of dykes in my life.  Thighs like my waist.  Tattoos like popeye and stubble like george michael.  Remember Mutha Bacon in Viz?  Exactly like her, all of them.

I met the Italian boys under 21 football team.  The waitresses were drooling, you have never seen such a bunch of pretty boys.  They actually brought their own chef, who was like Jabba the Hutt, and his food was amazing.

After Leeds played Galatasaray from Turkey in 1998 the turks came back to Leeds to play the second leg.  Now this was the time when two Leeds fans were stabbed in Istanbul during the riots.  So security was tight, I got searched several times by Turkish secret police who thought they owned the joint.

One time I was given bags to take up to a room.  When I went in there was nobody there but the room was filled with camera equipment and lights.  It was obvious they were filming a porn film in there.  If you ever see a porn film with dreadful canary yellow floral curtains, it was filmed at my place.

One time in Dublin two old ladies came down to the bar to see themselves on the news, and they wanted me to tune the TV into the correct station.  After lots of fumbling with dials I managed to find the hotels porn channel for them!  Oops.. I covered the screen with my body and made my excuses.  The old girl actually said “Was that me there?” I bloody hope not, love.

So if you want a hard, underpaid job that teaches you an incredible amount about people please go work for a hotel, you will love it, you sickos.

My sister is called Rebecca by the way.


Written by Nick Gilmartin

April 25, 2008 at 11:31 am

Posted in true stories

Tagged with ,

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