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And he used to be such a nice, quiet boy

Coming to the UK: Miss Jessica Delfino

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Cancel all army leave, call up the riot police, roll back the carpets and load up the shotguns. Because Jessica Delfino is coming to England.

Jess has been making her name on the stand-up circuit over the last few years and this lady has some unusual trophies in her collection. She won the Stoned Spelling Bee contest (self-explanatory, but it sure sounds funny). She managed a record-breaking mayoral campaign for Christopher Brodeur.

She has featured on BBC radio’s Loose Ends programme and Russell Brand’s radio show. Jesus, imagine those two together.

And, God help us, she is coming to the UK later this year. She will be playing gigs at the Leeds and Reading festivals, Edinburgh and Soho.

More recently she played live shows across Ireland and Edinburgh.  Here is some of her stand up show.

So we grabbed her sorry ass, sat her down and shone a light in her face.  She asked for her lawyer and a phone call.  We tightened the handcuffs.  Finally she cracked.  Here is her confession.

According to the Catholic Church you are going to burn in hell. Who are you looking forward to meeting down there?

All of the people who have told me I’d be going to hell. See ya there, suckers! But seriously, I don’t really believe in hell. I think I’m there, now. I think that Hell is a place on Earth, sorta like that Belinda Carlisle song.

And they say you have been providing ammunition to the terrorists? What type of ammo is the most popular among the Taliban these days?

According to the Catholic League, the Taliban apparently really like using f-bombs (and other “f” words) and also vaginas full of glitter, sprinkles and rainbow fluff as their weapons of choice. The worst part about getting hit with a fanny full of glitter is getting all the sparkles out of your clothing and hair later. It’s a real bitch to clean up and the Taliban knows that.

You recently toured Ireland, any road stories you care to tell? They have a wonderful way of giving road directions.

At the end of my Roisin Dubh show in Galway, I requested someone in the audience drive me to the Cliffs of Moher or get me some pot. A cute gent named Cian came to my rescue. He said he had his starter’s permit and could accommodate both of my requests. The next morning he and his friend “Crazy Mary” met me at my hotel, and he, she, myself and a friend drove in his tiny car with a huge red “L” on the windshield through the beautiful, hairpin curves of the countryside to the cliffs. I kept expecting Jimmy Page to leap out from behind a rock and play Bron Yr Aur. Every time we met another car, one of us had to pull over so the other could pass. We met a parade of really old time-y vehicles on our way and I thought maybe we’d accidentally driven through some ancient Celtic porthole. Parking at the cliffs cost a lot but Cian was a local and knew a secret off site spot in some farmer’s field so we parked on his potato patch and walked fromthere.

The cliffs were breathtaking. I was floored that it wasn’t fenced in the way America has fenced in every natural wonder we have. Cian said several people leapt over the cliffs each year. I say “thank you” to the Irish government for letting their people govern themselves. Jumping off a cliff is a basic human right.

You are performing in two festivals this year, so you may never feel clean again. Have you ever tried using a rickety chemical toilet at 03.00 after your fifth joint?

I heard no one uses the chemical toilets at all. I heard they just go on the ground and dance in it until it becomes a swarming fecal cesspool. I look forward to observing the indigenous festival peoples, and maybe even participating in their local pastimes, as well.

Could you happily live in London?

I LOVE London. London loves comedy, and Londoners are smart and quick, and funny and ribald themselves. London is a city I could happily live in. But I’m currently in love with another city. NY City is amazing. It treats you like shit, overcharges you to live and eat, swallows you up in it’s grandeur, makes sure you know you’ll never be good enough, and acts like it’s shit doesn’t stink. NY is like an abusive boyfriend that you just can’t leave. So though I could happily live in London, London and I would first have to devise a plan to KILL NY.

Your forefathers brought Nylons and Hershey bars to our country in return for a good time. What are you bringing, in return for a good time?

I’m bringing a good time in exchange for nylons and chocolate. So get your London Hosiery and your Cadbury Flakes and Crunchies ready for me.

Jessica is playing the following dates.

Latitude Festival — July 17-19
Soho Theatre — July 21-15 @ 21:55, every night in “More Dirty Folk Rock”. Mon & Tue are two for one £.

Duckie in Battersea, London — August 1

Edinburgh Fringe Festival @ Jekyll and Hyde, “Jessica Delfino — I Wanna Be Famous” 21:55 Aug 6-25

Reading & Leeds Festivals — August 28-30


Written by Nick Gilmartin

April 19, 2009 at 9:25 pm

Posted in Humour

Tagged with , ,

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