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And he used to be such a nice, quiet boy

Swinging Somerset (oo-er vicar)

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As a one-time function manager I dealt with some strange situations in my time.  Wedding family bust-ups, drunken teenage prom-goers, dreadful karaoke, and a pikey wedding from hell.

So I feel for the poor bloke in charge at a hotel in Somerset who ran a party for a hundred well dressed sophisticates.  They arrived in Audis, BMWs and Range Rovers, fair enough.  They were well dressed, polite and spent a bit around the bar.  Great, no problem.  The whole lot arrived in elaborate masks, as it was a masked ball.  That’s a little different, but whatever floats your boat.

Then, at the stroke of midnight, the whole flipping lot gets down and dirty together.  And I am not referring to a smooch, I mean full on shagging!  God help the poor staff, I mean where do you put yourself?  Wait – don’t answer that.


The security on the night made a sheepish effort to convince guests to stop, but they were having none of it – and it is rude to talk with your mouth full.  I bet the carpet was a state, you would go off-shift with a condom stuck to the heel. Urrghh!

In the end they just left them to it, and I think I would have too.  Blimey, they could have warned them.

The Dutch firm, Little Sins, organised this little shindig.  I went to check out their website today in the name of research, your honour, and it was overloaded!

Swinging in Europe is big business, with party organizers hosting lavish parties all over the continent.  We have it in England too, but at a much more discreet level.  Swinging is little heard-of outside certain Mayfair circles, but it has been going on in England since the times of the Saxon Kings who shared wives.  It is more common than people think, but it is discreet.  No, I havn’t, in case you were wondering.  I knew of one Swinging club in Dewsbury opposite a mosque, but it looked seedier than backstreet Bangkok.  Other Swinging clubs can be hugely lavish boudoirs, it all depends on your spending power.


The main UK organisers are Killing Kittens, who have strict policy when it comes to cleanliness, hygiene and beauty.  Face and body, that is.  Hairy cracks, backs and sacks are not welcome, nor are saggy boobs or wobbly tummies.  Well that’s most of us out, then.

But even working class swinging parties are more popular than people think, they are just very discreet.  I read it in a copy of Closer that the receptionist left in the office.  But as George Michael, that great poster-boy for descretion, once sang:

“Sex is natural, sex is fun, but sex is best when it is one on one.”  .. as he wanked himself off in a toilet with an undercover cop.


Written by Nick Gilmartin

July 15, 2009 at 4:31 pm

Posted in in the news

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