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And he used to be such a nice, quiet boy

Jessica Delfino – UK was a blast all the way

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Photo by Doug Jaegar

Photo by Doug Jaegar

Comedian Jessica Delfino is back on home soil after a month shocking the hell out of  the UK from as far north as Edinburgh to as far south as Reading.    Just to bring her back down to earth she was promptly told to repack her unwashed laundry and pushed on to a train down to the deep south for a week to entertain the good people of North Carolina.

Having survived all that she finally put her feet up to check her e-mail and there is this guy from England trying to contact her for another  interview.  The true professional that she is, she got back to me pretty much straight away.

The Vagina song:  My Pussy is Magic!  Do you think (Whhhooohhoooooooowww!!) Bodyform or Fannyfresh Sanitary towels will be using it for their advertising campaign?

Actually, Always (brand of maxi pads) has already just recently begun using a “Magic” slogan / angle in a new ad campaign. I’m expecting a royalty check in the mail, but it probably “got lost”. Anyway, I’ve explained before — my pussy isn’t really magic, its just really tight, like one of those chinese finger traps. But I couldn’t have written a song called “My Pussy Is Like A Chinese Finger Trap” because that would have been racist.

When Sir Walter Raleigh returned from the UK he brought back Tobacco and Potatoes for Queen Elizabeth to try.  “Thats right, Liz, you burn the leaves in your face, sure it’s safe, babe.”  If you had an audience with President Obama, what would you bring him back from the UK and why?

Chocolate porn

Chocolate porn

I’d bring him one of those sweet ass Twirl chocolate bars with all that chocolate bunched up like a crumbly scroll of confection perfection, because them shits just melt in your mouth. We’d eat them together, savoring each chocolate wrinkle, discussing the importance of taking a moment to feast upon a tasty treat with a friend. I would make no metaphoric references or racial comparisons to the goodys we enjoyed. It’s not about race. It’s about the snack, man.

Do you feel any wiser for the UK experience?

You betcha. I learned that driving on the wrong side of the road is easy, climbing mountains is best done during daylight hours except that sometimes if you climb during the day, you get stung by wasps, buddhists are nice and cook yummy, gassy food, there are good sights to be seen in the UK, Faith No More still rocks, my friends are awesome, my UK fans and new friends are way cooler than other people who suck, the 24 hour stomach bug comes on quickly and is a huge asshole, and pounds are so much better than dollars. But the last one I already knew, it was just reiterated. Also, the Brits do not call their phone a “jingly-doo”.

Did you get as many Wolf-whistles in the UK as you did in the US?

Naw, UK dudes are polite. Even the flirtatious Russell Brand was a gentleman. Instead of “wolf-whistling” me, as you call it (we call it “cat-calling”) they strolled up, removed their top hats, announced the style of weather we were surrounded by, invited me to enjoy a hot beverage or trip to the countryside and if I declined, bid me a good day.

Where were you when you heard Patrick Swayze had died?  How did you take it?

I was watching Dirty Dancing on a loop as is the custom in my household, and my entire family called on a conference call to break the news. I am still not quite the woman I used to be. All my childhood heros are dying. It’s a real drag fest, and not the fun kind where the men all wear huge high heels.

We saw the Tyra Banks episode you were in, your Borat-like take on the show had her pretty well stitched up.  I am so glad that American TV caters so well for the mentally retarded.  Could you tell us how this all started?  (You going on the show, that is.  Not the ice age, dinosaurs, and all that shit)

A casting person called me and asked me to be on the show. I knew I had to do something a little silly. I wish I’d gone even more overboard, but your hands are kind of tied. The shows are edited and aired later, so even if I did something super fun, it would’ve gotten taken out. Tyra has prehistoric shark eyes. I looked for a glimmer of soul in them, but all I saw were colored contacts.

What is next on the agenda for the Jessica Delfino comedy empire?

On Nov 12 I have a show at Ars Nova, a really cool and subversive comedy theater in NYC which I’m really excited about, and I’m going to be performing in the NY Comedy Festival as part of the Andy Kaufman Award Show. I was asked to make a video for the show, here is mine:

So there you have it.  If you feel an uncontrollable desire to see her perform live keep checking her myspace page (remember those?) or on her twitter account or her blog.

If I blend in, the cops might walk right by

If I blend in, the cops might walk right by


Written by Nick Gilmartin

October 7, 2009 at 3:14 pm

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