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And he used to be such a nice, quiet boy

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The return of the sinister Emu

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I noticed something rather sinister when I was channel flicking this afternoon..

Emu is back!

I never liked this bird, it always had a nasty streak and an evil look in it’s eyes. It was perminantly planted under Rod Hulls ’arm’ and glared at his guests.

Then came the shock that Rod Hull had died in a freak accident.

Their act had started back in 1971 when Rod was working in for Australian television. He had to find an act for a new children’s variety programme and he found this old moth eaten Emu puppet in a back cupboard. They soon grew into a cult following and when Rod was offered a chance for the BBC he flew home, Emu in tow.

For the next twenty years their act grew and grew, making such dizzy heights as the Children’s Royal Variety Performance, where he was introduced to the Queen. He wasn’t always that well behaved though, later that year Emu went bezerk on the Michael Parkinson show, knocking the host off his chair and scattering papers and water everywhere. Co-guest, Billy Connelly, warned Rod Hull “If that thing comes near me I will break it’s neck and your arm.” There is nothing like a Glaswegian threat to pacify an Emu.

But by the mid nineties their fortunes had all but dried up, the BBC was looking for fresh ideas and they seemed rather old and tired. What was not so well known was that Rod Hull had a million pound life insurance policy. Emu hatched his evil plan…

He knew Rod liked the football so the day of the Manchester UTD – AC Milan match he pulled a wire out of the back of the telly. When Rod checked the telly Emu suggested it might be the dish outside that was faulty. There was no turning back now.

Rod got his ladder out of the shed and began climbing while Emu held it steady.. and when he saw that the coast was clear he gave the ladder an almighty shove.

Poor Rod didn’t stand a chance.

Over the next few days Emu wept crocodile tears and gave a touching speech at Rod’s funeral, and waited for the cheque.

Eventually it came and it funded Emu’s new lavish lifestyle and financed a new TV deal. It also paid for Emu’s botox and re-stitching.

This terrible animal must be stopped before he goes any further, between him and Barrymore you can get away with murder these days if you are on telly.

Anyway calm down lad, drink your tea…


Written by Nick Gilmartin

April 25, 2008 at 10:45 am

Posted in Suspense and Horror

Tagged with ,